Sitting in my room listening to the quiet patters of falling rain, my thoughts turn to growth. Not physical growth (I'm holding steady in that respect), but the change in my inner being, psyche and thinking, which has been nothing short of miraculous. As I look out the window at the grey, dreary afternoon whose daylight is wrapping to a close, I marvel at how even keeled I feel.
There was a time when I’d look outside during the dark winter months and feel my soul shrink right before my eyes. I was always so moody and prone to reacting to outer stimuli, whatever the source, that looking back, I liken who I was to a giant barometer. Things like the weather and peoples moods once had the power to send me reeling as I had less control over my reactions and, was much more prone to internalize everything I came across, including my own emotional landscape.
I won’t say that I’ve arrived, as we are always morphing as human beings, but it is good to put the proverbial stake in the ground and sit for a while, recounting the changes and steps forward I’ve taken, guided by the invisible hand offered me so many years ago now. My moods have gentled, thoughts become more even keeled, as opposed to jagged trains of words I’d have to catch and unravel with some effort. I’m more composed, confident and, I feel whole, not like before where I felt I was made up of so many pieces just trying to hold it all together. And people notice the change.
Scene shift: it’s 6:00 Wednesday morning. I’ve just had coffee and breakfast and am back in the saddle of my writing chair. Settledness is a sensation I can honestly say I’ve never experienced on a regular basis, until now. The swiftly tilting planets within me just never let up their motion and I had no choice but to follow behind like a dutiful pooper- scooper running after a horse. The emotions and moods that sloshed around inside me like an ocean during a storm were always threatening to bleed into the fabric of my day and often did.
What a joy to feel composed. What a treat to feel empowered and competent in my own skin, to not constantly feel like I have to prove and demonstrate the validity of my being, my worth, because I already know it deep down inside. People take me seriously now, because I am doing the same. I never thought I’d arrive at such a state of personal wellbeing. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was beginning to thrive and at almost 48, it’s about time.
