It’s been a hard road, an interminable and steep uphill trudge for as long as I can remember. My escapades have landed me in the dung, every single one of them but to be fair it was the mania, my erstwhile chum and faithful companion of yore that usually cinched the deal. Taking me to the edge and leaving me there then skating away with an insouciant toss of the hand was, I must say, grossly unfair. It left me to deal with reality on my own and so I did, upside down.
Answers became questions, questions folded into fantasies, fantasies eventually faded to black all the while I raced back and forth to try and keep the plates spinning and boy howdy what a gig, folks. All of San Francisco watched this girl play way way way back in the day. Goaded by an energy I couldn’t bridle, my daily escape to oblivion while involuntary and tragic, was nevertheless a show. Outwitting, outrunning and outsmarting the pain that gnawed at my bones became my holy grail, my raison d’être, I couldn’t do otherwise. Each day was a frenzied grind to act out the dervishes in my head all the while looking spiffy (the fun part) and trying to land my next husband, so to speak. And that’s just a slice.
Fast forward a decade. While meeting Jesus in 2004 changed the trajectory of my life, existence continues to wax strenuous in varying degrees as time marches on. In other words, the daily hasn’t been a field of daisies - I think it’s safe to say we get more homework as the days fly by. Blessedly, gaps of grace insulate these gnarly icecaps giving us necessary pause for sanity and respite but on the whole, Jesus’ guarantee that trouble will come echoes true, so brace yourselves.
Case in point, almost 20 years later I’ve experienced heart break after heartbreak, seemingly senseless physical issues (bleeding out for almost 50 days straight at one point to name one) visiting yet another mental ward upon an impromptu psychotic break, running around chasing my tail in the relationship department which never seems to yield any form of satisfaction (thanks, Mick) and a host of other miseries which leave me to wonder what the heck is going on? If I didn’t believe in the Almighty, I’d have checked out long ago. As it is, it’s still a battle. Like I told someone the other day, I’m grinding through my sixth PhD in the school of hard knocks and baby, it’s no joke.
As I look through my spiritual eyes, I’m slowly learning to be grateful for the fire I’ve often found myself in. Each trial, each arduous grind I’ve been forced to undertake almost always against my will (’cause who voluntarily dives into pain?) has strengthened, softened, broken, stretched and pulled me in all the right - read: agonizing - of places, fashioning me to be a wee bit more Christlike. Though hard won, the host of character fortifications that suffering has wrought in me have blended a rock solid amalgam that only God Himself could have breathed. Heck, if I can keep this view up, I’m way ahead of the game.
I see God as a sort of master welder, gigantic tongs and all dipping us smack dab in the midst of the most formidable of flames forming characters, melding minds, transforming hearts. Squirming out of his hand, or tongs as is the case, is out of the question - his grip’s pretty secure - so what to do but endure? If we follow the commandments, heed His word and keep His promises knowing He loves us, we’ll see that He does all things for our benefit and a good (or better) attitude towards travail we will have, I can attest.
Life doesn’t make much sense beyond the perspective that knowing Christ has gifted me. Like I said, I sure as heck would have sung my swan song long ago had I not believed. So, regarding all the crap and hardship existence has slung in my face whether deluded or insane, I continue to cling to what makes sense to my heart, to the only eternal line of reasoning I got: Christ and Him crucified. Because Jesus showed humanity the ultimate submission, withstanding the proverbial flame even to the point of a criminal’s death on a cross, how can I not endure my own muck?
There are worse things than finding yourself in a crucible, forged in the fire of adversity, immobilized by life’s hardships and struggles and that’s not knowing its working for your good. Take joy in the knowledge then, that suffering, though sometimes hard and intense, is creating a more resilient, strengthened and better you. All the good stuff about us is usually good ‘cause it comes at a cost, so don’t be afraid to pay the price, you’ll be glad you did.
