Freebie

I’m a late bloomer, what can I say?  Everything in my life has taken and is built upon its own sweet time but the irony is that at heart I’m an extremely impatient person.  God knew what He was doing, however, when He brought everything in my world to an almost complete standstill after I got saved.  Forward motion for me has thus consisted of tiny increments imperceptible to the naked eye and it’s still that way.  Rare and few are the times I can look back and see speedy changes and timely results.  He has always delivered, but almost always chosen UPS ground when it comes to the outcome.  Now I see the logic, as there was a time where I barreled forward to my destruction at the speed of light with no brakes in sight.  Thank God for His wisdom.  

I’ve had to learn (oh God have I learned!) patience and waiting and simply chopping wood, carrying water on a consistent, steady basis.  In other words, doing the next right thing in front of me while I wait for the package.  But in hindsight, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  That He cares enough to tailor a method to teach me the lessons I so dearly need to learn and show me how to savor the moments of my time with Him is gold.  I wouldn’t have it any other way, even though the seemingly geriatric pace has often been the bane of my existence.

Ultimately, I believe we get what we need, not what we want (in large part) and thank the good Lord for that.  None of us truly know our own best interests and are therefore incapable of mapping out a master roadmap for ourselves, if not out of selfishness.  God knows what He's doing, so don't worry and enjoy the ride.      

Older

I never thought it would happen to me, growing older.  It did.  I look in the mirror and suddenly the smooth contours of my face, the ones I've ALWAYS relied on, my chums, my comrades, now have the audacity to entertain small etchings for all to see.  My skin is losing its elasticity and the fountain of youth from whence I thirstily drank with nary a second thought, the one I believed would never dry up, is now starting to tighten its belt.

My body is changing, too - no way around it.  At first, the differences were subtle:  not being as fast on my feet when I danced, a little bit of extra weight around my middle and other small nuances.  I blew them off as nothing worth ruffling my feathers about and continued on my merry way.  Then a few years later, it hit me:  I wouldn't be going back, not now not ever to the glory days of youth.  No, that part of my life was over.  The spry little gadabout that once graced the streets of San Francisco has gone home and closed the door behind her.

 All is not lost, however.  That same girl has now emerged a woman carrying a different kind of grace.  Not just of the physical sort, but rather one that comes from the inside and cannot fade with the passage of time - a charitable, kind, loving grace that flows from the soul, and not just the body.  Good thing.

Don't get me wrong, I still consider myself to be attractive - I like the way my face hangs together and I haven't put myself out to pasture yet (I've a long way to go, truth be told), but looking good now requires props that it once didn't and the ghost of my hard lived life taps it's long, skinny finger on my shoulder every day as I stiffly get out of bed, a reminder that I am not 24 anymore.  But even with all these considerations, it is well with my soul.  I find that I am working more in harmony with and not as viciously against the changes that the passage of time has inevitably brought and for this I am glad.

I would not be able to do this without the help of The Almighty.  It is He who lifts my head and tells me I am beautiful, worthy, loved.  He who has made it bearable to continue even when the vestiges of my youth have begun to wane and maturity settle in.  I have also found a good man who loves me, who is attracted to my inner qualities (and not just my outward self) the softer, gentler ones that have, almost imperceptibly, appeared in the interim between seasons.

So what to say?  It's not so bad reaching a new vista, a higher ground.  Sure, you have to shed skin to get there and that sometimes hurts, but the end is a glorious new beginning.  And that's all good.

Untitled

It's been a while.  Creative efforts ball themselves up on paper whilst I cry, pine and wonder where it is exactly that I've gone wrong.  Could it be that those morose meanderings I've taken regarding all the health concerns that have cropped up lately have finally taken their toll?  That those beastly little rabbit trails that I've traipsed down in anxious agitation, wondering if I've contracted some horrible malady or terminal ill have finally done in my spirit, my spunk?  It certainly feels that way, officer.

Jumbles of neurons on speed transmit the very worst scenarios onto my screen.  Images crawling ever closer like zombies on a mission, threaten and menace me with their fat, ready fists.  Responding oh so willingly to the gloomy mob of musings that blows up my mind, and future tripping in the worst possible way, I've parked it on row 17 in the theater of my head.  Eating popcorn, I'm entirely lost in the drama, forgetting that it's only a show.  Based on a true story, yes, but a show.

When I look at it this way, I can't help but think that my psychological destiny lies entirely in my own hands.  Yes, things happen.  Issues crop up, and problems inch their ugly faces into the picture refusing to be ignored, that is a given.  But attitude, who controls that?  Is it not us, with the power to think, to process and analyze?  And what of those of us with faith, who believe in a God who heals and restores, shouldn't we be resting in the knowledge that somehow, someway, it will all work out?  After all, isn't that's what faith is for?

As I ponder these words, I'm relieved to discover that peace lies in my choice of thoughts, in aligning myself with Divine truth, and not in being a ready victim to every whim of my technicolor imagination, nor random frolic through the poppy fields of my mind.

No, my future emotional health depends on how I decide to view circumstance, so let me choose wisely, and let me choose well.